He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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