Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
