well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
if only i could text you this smell
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
