Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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