So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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