I'm jealous of your bromance
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I can't put those talents on a resume
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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