if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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