Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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