Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
