masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
