drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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