Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
