I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I think i got beer on your cat.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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