there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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