Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
