We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
