He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
