I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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