the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
