well I can't set my house on fire every night
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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