Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize