he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
