I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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