took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
