so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
