i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
