we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I deserve this hangover.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
