I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
