Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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