two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
