i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
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