somebody snuck up and got me drunk
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
