i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
