yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
