I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
