i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
