You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize