Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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