no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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