Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
