I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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