if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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