Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
