You just made me feel so damn special
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My liver just had a heart attack.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
