I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
