I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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