I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
