Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My dick has a subreddit
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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