I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
