I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
