eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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