Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
