I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
