Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
My breath smells like gin and sadness
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize