I haven't been this sober since birth.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
