Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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