The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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