just tell him i said nine months
there's paper in my vomit.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
