I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
