Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
