Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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