And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
