I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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