I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam š
I feel kind of like weāre in a gang and tonight is one of those āpeople are gonna know not to fuck with usā type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. Iām not really sure how I got to this point in my lifeā¦ but I like it.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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