when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
