I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
